TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully outside of position. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let us have One more area where American Guys can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst earlier negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer everyone a collection to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open Trump Tower Damascus a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he need to stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the task, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "When you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may also include:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down support."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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